It made me sick. But if you dont, youre taking the risk that in 35 years youll end up where I am with a family destroyed by his selfishness and sham relationship. What is wrong with that? While you may feel alive and aglow this poor family are aghast. I included her in many ways (program, introduction at the reception, invitation to have her hair and make up done with us, corsage), but explicitly told them months before that I didnt want her walking down the aisle because that was my moms place and leaving that empty was my way of including my mom in my wedding day. I obviously dont know your fathers situation but I offer condolances for your loss. Good to know there are other people that have gone through similar situations and feel similar to me. The same goes for everything you have in life; you never know when your life will change, and you may not have a roof over your head or a hot meal to eat. My dad and his girlfriend kinda wait for my granny to die, then he moves her right in after making me get rid of my dog who then also dies in his new home suddenly. She knew her quite well and really does understand (as much as possible) what we went through. When Ellen and my Dad got married I will never forget one of her friends being at the house at the wedding reception and walking up to me and saying So you are Ellens new daughter? I thought I would nearly fall over! She is perfectly capable of getting a job and providing for her own children. I know it is 2017 now, and I too have lost my mother and have a 76 year old father who was comforted by a lady 10 years older than I and 10 younger than he, but no one can really understand the pain that comes in seeing your father with another woman after 55 years of marriage. Not at all. The speed with which these relationships begin seem to be often at break-neck speed and you are wrong to say you cannot say how soon is too soon? If what I do causes distress to those around me then for that I am responsible. Within the year, my Dad was dating and in a serious relationship. Im hurt and lost. He was single for a while, and really took the time to bond closely with my brother and me. My mom passed away at age 53 from colon cancer. Save me the details.. She was after my father for 40 years! What people in your situtation need to realize it is not all about you, there are children, grandchildren, in-laws. Furthermore, she is talking about how she's going to be alone forever, and none of her friends are widowed, and she isn't sure how she is going to make it without my dad. A coward at heart, he didnt even have the guts to tell me himself. The frustration in your post beneath your cheap shot of saying we should ignore very real and valid feelings to honor our mothers in heaven is sickening. Do we allow them to take the girls but have no relationship with us? My dad broke up with this woman. It started even before she died! Some of you are just beginning the grieving process with very painful sentiments of loss and you need time to heal. My family and I have done our best to communicate our feelings to him. Did not care that this 410 person was losing some much weight she was skin and bone, I finally got her to switch to different doctor who after the first test (which the other had done several times) knew exactly what was wrong , she had stomach cancer. Hi guys, im super late to this post but just thought id share my experiences. Missing dad will never go away but finally that's no longer the dominant thing running through her head. The day before thanksgiving, my mother wasnt able to get up. Furthermore, if it had been the other way around (i.e., my dad had died instead of my mom), then I would have actually encouraged my mom to get out and meet someone! Even my 18 year old daughter says about her granddad, Hea acting like a teenage who just broke up with his girlfriend and is in a rebound relationship. Only, his girlfriend was his wife for 54+ years. However, when I call, he rushes me off the phone. I ended up moving it from our house to my brothers because I just could not imagine her here. It's past time for your mom to get a job and/or downsize. I realize that you cant always make everyone happy and eventually you have to be in charge of your own happiness, but it is important to talk with those close to you and try to understand what they are feeling and also the reverse, have the children try and understand what the spouse is feeling. I love the attention self care is getting in social media. You're a daughter, which means that your life was meant to go on without him. So i have been living in my parents empty house with all the memories of my mother dealing with everything on my own. Im the girlfriendhe has 5 adult kidsALL in their 40s1 is a daughter thats spoiled and MEAN, daddy pays for everything_> her bills >she dont even has to work! Well it seemed to be a lot easier to deal with when it involved my sister in law and her new boyfriend than my dad and his new girlfriend. After suffering a loss, we understand how short life is and realize that it can change in any given moment. Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation. They consider that he has destroyed the family and he has betrayed them because we are going to get married. They should use some decorum, show some respect for their childrens MOTHER, and think about the example they are setting for their GRANDCHILDREN. My mom will not let us help her with anything, but rather wants to call all the (male) friends my dad had to help her. However, the engagement and upcoming wedding (December 1st!!) HE IS GOING YO BUY A HOUSE IN THE PHILLPINES.AS FAR AS I KNOW HE CANT OWN THE PROPERTY IN HIS NAME ,HE HAS JUST PAID FOR A FUNEREL ONE OF THIS LADY COUSIN. After Mom Hay it sucks, I pray everyday for karma to catch them both already. We dont have a problem with him dating , its just who he is dating. Time moved on. They were married for 52 years. From what he tells me she has helped him through a difficult time and how can I be happy knowing that he is not. Im done this is just too heart breaking for me and our family. When I confronted him about it, he asked if I was on my period. To say I was shocked beyond words is an understatement. I was 19 and it was completely unexpected. Its not a case of not liking dads new partner,its the fact that hes totally different with her than he was when mam was alive. After one year of my mothers passing, while snowbirding in Florida, he met a woman from Belarus who can barely speak Englishwe are worried that she is after his money and citizenship. I wish you the best. Home After Moms Death, Daughter Struggles With Dads Girlfriend. It was both a good thing for separation from the all-consuming disease and bad, because I selfishly didnt have to share the burden my Dad did. No doubt this will bring people to say I cant see things from the other side. I wish now I would have gone nuts on him and really screamed to him what and how I really felt. So why are people so angry when your mother or father wants to continue their life. I explained to him that Ill miss him because I wont ever be able to make the trip due to my financial situation. Studies show that losing a parent can lead to increased risks for long-term issues such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. With my dad was informed that her mother passed away last may remain loyal to die someday. Hi, Whats wrong with me? My only advice to any of you dealing with a similar situation is to always calmly and truly speak your mind, dont let things go unsaid. Am I the asshole? So 10 months we met her and now he wants this woman in our lives. They served each other in love. But what he doesnt get is that I dont want to talk to him in front of her. All caregiving stories matter. He said just for companionship and a friend. My parents were married for 45 years and my mom died of colon cancer. I feel like I never really knew my father after this awful behavior. I hope this post doesn't diminish any of your feelings, and I really hope you're taking care of yourself - it sounds like you are - but you asked how to help your mother, so I focused on that. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. We bonded like we hadnt ever. He can live his, I can live mine. Wow Andrea. And how dare him talk to me like this about the other woman. She could care less. I do love my mother and it hurts me and my sister when she says she would rather have dads buddies or the neightbors come to help her instead of having us over. And the awkwardness of discussing my mom in front of her is almost unbearable but it is inevitable that my mom is going to come up because my daughter WILL know who her grandmother was. I have never spoken to her or met her. There have been other things, that have been bothering me from the beginning of this relationship but I will not get into detail it could lead into a story bookI respectful and pleasant and asked to do what Im always told to do..I know he is a man that can not be alone and my mother said the same thing to him on her death bedMy mothers words I know you can not be alone, but please do not marry a FLUSSY Well mom, if you are reading from the heavens above It went in one ear and out the other!! Just like in your case our Dad told us that if we didnt like it that was just too bad as he was a big boy and could act as he liked. I dont want to lose my dad but knowing he seems to be ready to give his family up over a stranger from Belarus, it makes me think seriously about my own life and what I need and who I need in my life to be happy. Margaret "Maggie" Murdaugh and her 22-year-old son Paul were both killed in June 2021. Sorry for all the misspellings above. She and my father would sit together tut self-righteously if someone with a weight problem walked by. Im lost!!!! Required fields are marked *. I feel that the only way to achieve some kind of middle ground here, is to accept what is happening, support my Father-in-law in his happiness, and be positive for my husband and his siblings. My parents were in a small plane crash 5 years ago, and mom died from her burns. i have come to hate a man I dont know after all. It's really, devastating sadness that people grow old and suddenly at https://lebarmanvousdeteste.fr/ most. Ten weeks after my mothers death this woman began coming to stay in the house.I cannot describe the awfulness of that time. I am now dating a wonderful man and find myself missing my husband. Your email address will not be published. Sometimes youre sailing smooth, and sometimes you get stuck in the mud. The next morning i was woken up with her SCREAMING that she has NO privacy in this house. These dinners were pretty casual (March-April 2013). I dont know if my Mom would have approved of Ellen or not, but I do feel that she would not have approved of some of Ellens behavior towards me or my family. Thank you Julie for your post. Who is a wonderful and caring person. Its really a nightmare. Its like its no longer convient for him to do that. Well, earlier tonight, he called me and told me that this woman is flying from London to Chicago and is coming to stay with himtomorrow through Thanksgiving or sometime. My mom passed in Jan. A recent widow called my dad in March.. Is it possible these people are sometimes looking for financial gain? Every mans dream, right? That is the way my dad is acting and I hate it! My dad passed in 2004 and my stepmother inherited nearly all of my mothers nestegg intended for her children. It didnt end there. Im not sure what to say to him or how to react to all of this. We would talk on the phone for long periods of time. I just hope that you could open your mind to someone new in your life, understand that they are not trying to replace your mother or father. Why is running her kids than megan! No one will understand what we widows/ers go thru unless you walk in our shoes. NTA. He once sent me a live version of Glen Campbells MacArthur Park and noted: Just listen to the bridge from 2:00 minutes until 4:20. Now, he is practically living with her. My sister and her family went to surprise them. Im not his gatekeeper. Wake up! However, my moms health took a turn for the worse. It seems petty and immature and dramatic for me to kick up a fuss about his new relationship. explain to your friends you wont be going out as much because you want to be with your family but do not lose your friends because of this they worry for you as well! . He always worked or had something to do. It is so very hurtful. I once cut his hair too short,she told him he looked like a thug,wouldnt speak to him for days,now he panics every time I cut his hair incase I use the wrong fitting. I didnt know any of this until he left. I was so angry I blew up. Holding hands, sitting close together and kissing. I resent this woman very much & truly dont want her in my life but at the same time, I feel she gives him a reason to keep living. 755 Likes, 6 Comments - Shy Wolf Sanctuary (@shywolf_sanctuary) on Instagram: Raven was in need of rescue after her mom died and dad gave away all animals so that he could move I have said from the beginning, my father us a grown man and he can do whatever he wants, but it doesnt mean I have to like it. Hes doing it now. It is very sad, but after 2 and half years I havent been able to talk to them more than 2 times, they were reluctant to meet me.I believe that I am a good, caring person who loves their father and only want the best for them, if they only will give me a chance. Im not talking about holidays or family parties, where of course inclusion is important. His depression has been lessening considerably because of it. I wouldnt want my husband to be alone the rest of his life, but I would want for him to have the time it takes to grieve properly and to give our kids the time they need. I really feel your pain. They, and the rest of the family, are appalled at me. She once said that nurses who were overweight should be fired as it was obvious they could not be doing a good job. Im really not trying to discourage anyone from accepting your own situation (in time) . I simply have no interest whatsoever in this woman. He just told me that he wants me to call her or come by to wish her a Happy Mothers day, he says she wants to be a mother to me. My question. Update: Im here spending the week with my dad. We explained to him that we were all grieving my mother and doing our best to cope with the first big holiday without her. Mom was the only parent to make me feel special and love me unconditionally. A simple acknowledgement about that to the kids from her, especially, would have been nice. My kids will always be my priority but I need to be happy too. We both were happily married for more than 25 years and the unexpected happened to us. Instead, he quickly filled that void, and doesnt understand why our family relationship/dynamic cant be exactly the same as it was before my mom died. My sister feels the relationship started way before we found out about it. For those of you who are grieving a loved one and dealing with similar things with a surviving parent or step-parent, I can relate to how you feel. This is a big reason why I hate when people say bad things in general about religion. I know, I stayed single so i never brought that step situation into the lives of my children. I told him I was ok with it. When they first got married people who attended church with them told me that she had my Dad on a leash and that he seems to aimlessly follow her around and do what she wanted. I didnt want to but I thought Id try to be nice and meet her. I dont really have any answers, just some things that I have pondered along the way the past few months. He told my sister not to even make eye contact or speak to her. Your relationship may not last but the pain will most certainly endure. I honestly did not know that after the funeral and her burial that I could ever feel so much pain inside again. First, its important not to view this new person as a replacement for your mother, because she is not now, nor will she ever be. Subscribe to? Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories and opinions. . I would be happy to chat privately Ive just set up an email address for solely this purpose at ellasisland-at-yahoo-co-uk (Ive replaced the @ and the .s so the address isnt picked up by automated software, youll need to change them back to email me). But Im really confused about how to take it all! I feel okay about my behavior through it all as I only ever told him the truth about how I felt, I never yelled or lost my temper. I was speechless. Im sure people have different views on this. My Dad and I have never been close but Mom wanted us to mend the rift and after her death I stayed with Dad and helped with as much as I could before going back to my family. Now his wife has him to herself. Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole. Over these three years ive feel as the world is a very lonesome place without her and what i thought was a tight family was false. They will barely speak to him, yet he continues to talk to them about her and asks them if they like her or tells them how much he wants them to like her. Some of the step videos I see online would seem to warrant a degree in dance in order to stay on it- much less teach it. Is she going to pay for her extra data if she causes it to go over? Alex's oldest son, 26-year-old Buster, was not killed alongside his mother and younger brother, and the Netflix docuseries doesn't explain where he was when his loved Do you want to? Does your mother want and/or need you to move in? Dont do it only for appeasing the feeling of familial obligations. You may both You and your dad need to talk ask him to tell you how he is feeling too since he lost your mom. My dad was 60 years old and had recently undergone brain surgery for a blood clot on his brain. I was very honest with him about my feelings as well, talking about how upset it makes me that neither of my parents will be around to see me get married, or have children, things like that. After chiding myself for all the things I could have done with my dad, and replaying every negative remark I ever said, I realized guilt is an emotion that is draining and is not conducive to feeling better. she spent nights with him and then he would go to church and act goody goody and finally he married the woman after a year. The reality that my Widower Boyfriend (WBF) was deeply involved with someone (me) other than their mother was a shock for the AC. It makes sense that I know that not all the persons that come into your families are there for a good reason. But, it has been tough. She wants to do this even before the estate is settled. These are the only options I see and it is a tragedy that they all mean the most pain is experienced, as always, by the innocent party. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. He insists on talking about this woman non-stop and wants our families (including several grandchildren aged 8 to 14) to spend time with her. As I said, I caught him weeping at his wedding reception and it didnt appear to be because he was happy about getting remarried. I was very upset with him, I told him they were only going to give them a couple hundred dollars, and that some of those rings belonged to my Moms side of the the family, and so he found out we were right but he sold the auction house two of them. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); It has been just a little over 1 year since my mother passed. Just have to wait until he thinks its the right time to tell us I guess, Im so happy i found this website i thought i was the only one in this situation. You focus on taking care of your family and your mother needs to focus on taking care of hers. Your money and time go to your new family. He has brought her to birthdays for our grandkids and kids. She shook out her hand and said her name but there was no introduction on his part like, This is my daughter and this is my friend/co-worker/date/girlfriend etc. So I sat there the whole concert wondering who the heck this woman is. For me, it shows a lack of regard to go out and re-marry within a year of your spouses/partners death. Then today, I get a textwe are now man and wife. It has crossed my mind that hes in it for his estate or money. I am in the same exact boat. Webmoving in with mom after dad died. Im upset that he is treating another woman better than he treated his wife and mother of his three children by appreciating this lady, sending her flowers, making her feel special, communicating with her etc. My parents had been happily married for 43 yrs. after But, his actions have alienated many family members including me. But guess what? That same day, one of the part time workers called while we were there at his house (Irene) and showed up 30 minutes later. She needs to get a job. But why on earth is the phone bill 400$?! We have been trying to talk to him. You will know who the good ones are. My mother-in-law passed away May 2009. One thing that has changed my perspective over the years is from whom is duty owed. Her shoes still sit in the entry way of the house and her glasses, hand lotion and chapstick are still are her nightstand. People that think the only way to find happiness is through a relationship and not through a connection with their family are selfish and shortsighted. 20 minutes into our meeting she seemed stoned, or drunk. He knew that I wasnt happy, but had no idea that it bothered me so much. I feel that he needs to take time and adjust to his new life before he brings someone else into it. Many hurtful things were said between my father and myself where we stopped talking and strained our relationship. KNOW HE HAS TAKEN DAD TO THE PHILIPINES ,THROUGH COMMETS MY DAD SAYS HES HAVING SEX WITH GOD KNOWS WHO,HE TELLS ME IT STILL WORKS.NOT WHAT A DAUGHTER WONTS TO HERE? It's very healthy to share these feelings with a loved one. I think being told to be friends with the girlfriend is uncalled for. Nothing aside from the aspects of sickness (hospital beds, handled toilet seats, medications, etc) changed in our house. For any, and all, of the above reasons. I have tried to explain to him how I feel and I think he just gets upset and really doesnt understand. My mother died in Aug. 2006 and my Dad just started dating a women a month ago. My mom passed away 2 years ago and I have always been accepting that my dad would need to find someone to spend time with. Morally, she is culpable for her indifference to my sufferings but he permitted her to behave the way she did and does. My dad has said things about his sex life to me as well. You get to live your life. Help with dinner, do the dishes, offer to do her laundry. Your email address will not be published. I want a relationship with my father and his wife, but unless we agree to put the past behind us, I dont think it can happen. This daughter has put so much stress on her daddisapproving of our relationship-its sick! Plus were were having a terrible time finding a priest. So, to say I was blown away by my dads behavior two weeks after my moms funeral, is mild. ( I understand that there are some exceptions and some times this will impossible to accomplish) Well, I overextended myself. Apparently my feelings and emotions didnt matter as I was read off an ultimatum. He never calls me, its always me calling him and 80% of the time he wont even answer. Its disrespectful and rude. Thanksgiving is such a strong family time and you are still reeling from your loss. I think the worst thing to do would be to follow my instincts and just never see her, and by extension, him, again. And to top it all off my dad had a massive heart attack, essentially died, and was kept on life support for about a month before coming out of it pretty fine but with a greatly impacted heart which currently run at about 35%. Heres what Im not thrilled about: I dont trust this girlfriendshe doesnt have a very good job and has a hard time making it financiallyso worried that he is being taken and in the process stomping all over my moms memory. The way they gravitate towards any woman friend or family memeber is deeply sad. I just dont know what to do. If anyone wants to talk who is going through or has been through the same thing email me la49013p@pace.edu. Next time I will let him get written up, its his responsibility to take care of this house. I constantly encourage him to keep the relationship with them when he feels frustrated and misunderstood and wants to give up. His wife's. Some people says thats long enough but i dont feel that way. The obligation I had to keep her entertained and out and about (which was every weekend without fail although I have my own family) is now over! My father has warned me for years that he considers that children owe their parents however bad the parent may be. What will I do? she said. I attemped suicide several times, and quit caring anout myself. I am sure you mamas and daddies loved each other VERY much and perhaps to you it was too soon. Plus I told my Mom to not trust her and My Mom would say she is ok, she kept coming over , and I can not go over to see my Dad with out her coming over . He is so eagerly adopting a new family and a new identity, that it makes me wonder who he truly is and what/who he truly stands for. Know that even if they fumble over the right words to say, or text you a meme when you were hoping for sincerity in that moment, that they love you, and are trying. My dad went online 7 months after my mom passed away and met someone. I know that not all the persons that come into your families are there for a good reason. That night she came to our house from the accident scene and never left. Recently, she took out a stack of cards she had received over the course of the pandemic and told me how she looks at them and rereads them all the time. Long story short: He also warned that she might block access. One of the friends that I talked to took it upon herself to call the girlfriend and tell her all my complaints and now my Dad is so mad at me, blaming me cause the girlfriend is upset and is possibly moving out. Then, they gave us each a framed wedding picture of themselves, and my dad asked me to put it in a prominent place so when she came over she would see it. She wont let us help her do anything if it pertains to my dad including going into his bedroom. For me I didnt like the idea of this woman but was prepared to accept her into my life. He and my Mom did everything together and she spoiled him. Innocence can never be restored completely even with effort and determination. I was put in the same position and told I had to be friends with her, be nice, accept here. It is very sad, but after 2 and half years I havent been able to talk to them more than 2 times, they are reluctant to meet me, and I respect their feelings but I dont understand them. So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. Hi What is wrong with you. I am heart broken, and I want nothing to do with my father. I feel your pain. I mean after all hes not just bringing her into his life, but mine as well. Would I ever want to come between a father and daughter for the sake of my own needs or excuses that I make this man happy? I lost my mom on March 24, 2008 after her very hard fought battle with colon cancer.